The chasm that is her soul

Laying silently staring at a sleeping face
The absent years have weathered her
But she still looks like the girl I once loved
Old feelings saturate my thoughts
Her eyes slowly open and she gazes at me as if I were a stranger
Struggling in denial, I pretend I don’t see it
She smiles and gives me a kiss
It contains the dry passion of a grandmothers peck
I lay back and the ceiling becomes my canvas
I wonder what happened to her to make her so cold
Was it the loss of her brother?
Was she mistreated by other men in her life?
Was she always this way and I had never bothered to notice?
Scenarios running through my mind like a pack of gazelles fleeing a half-starved cheetah
I pretend nothing is wrong
Perhaps I am misunderstanding the situation
Maybe I am dead and this is purgatory
She keeps her feelings so buried
It is pointless to ask questions
I imagine torturing her - Gitmo style for answers
Would that work?
Would she just tell me - what she thinks I want to hear to make the pain stop?
She is chipping away at me little by little with subtle actions
It is starting to destroy me
Confidence shattered
I struggle to clear my mind of this plague of thoughts
I reflect upon the sex - active yet empty
As sterile as a sober one night stand
I fool myself into believing - in time she will warm to me
That I will see that longing, loving glow in her eyes that made me love her so many years ago
She is a quandary
She has a warm friendly nature and a kind smile
Her conversation is light and easy
But when I reach out to her there is no reciprocation
She is as lifeless to my touch as a tattered sex doll
I go into silly mode to make her laugh and lighten my mood
It works
I engage her in meaningful conversation
She shuts down
No pretty lies nor ugly truths
she just turns off
I am once again lost
This will not end well
I will never see her again after that morning
Nor will I ever know what poisoned her well
I will just be left with a hollow feeling where a warm memory used to live